Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
