yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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