the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need to sanitize my soul.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
