I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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