I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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