Umm I'm too high to move.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
