She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
