did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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