I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
