Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
