i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Are my feet made of real feet?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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