i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
