just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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