She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she told me i tasted like america
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
