fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake