they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.