I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Randomize
