I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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