Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
