yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
