I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
