Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
