My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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