I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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