Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
