Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
