proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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