I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
