Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
