ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
