I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
