I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
