Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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