I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
