My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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