My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
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How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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