god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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