it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
