so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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