I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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