You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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