upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
