I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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