Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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