listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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