apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
