i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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