dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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