So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
