Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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