hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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