I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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