The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
