I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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