Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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