You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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