I'm lost and stupid without you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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