did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
