he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
